Trying on Gratitude

I am working very hard to embrace gratitude.  Thankfulness, self-worthiness.....

Despite the heart-wrenching experience of losing my wife and the soul-numbing grief it has engendered, I have lately been trying to show gratitude for many things:

• Gratitude for the friends that stuck with me through my wife's illness and even now that she is gone reach out to me to make sure I am okay.
• Gratitude for my son.  Who is growing into a young man who while touched by unbelievable sadness and having been wounded in a way that will never truly heal....continues to amaze me with his maturity and ability to laugh and smile.
• Gratitude that given the loss of my wife, I am financially stable and have a good roof over my head.
• Gratitude for a job that was and has been understanding of the transitions I went through while caring for my wife, and the transition that I am undertaking to a new life without her.
• Gratitude for my family (my own as well as hers) who have loved me unconditionally throughout this experience.
• Gratitude that despite her suffering, the pain and the chemotherapy she was able to have a good and full life and to travel and see many of the things in this world that she wanted before moving on to the next world.
• Gratitude that my prayers were answered.  Even the ones I really didn't want answered.  I remember a month before her death on a particularly awful day when she was in a tremendous amount of pain - I went to the grocery store.  I sat in the parking lot and cried and cried until my throat burned and I could barely breathe.  I begged and pleaded with God to ease her pain, and if it was His will to take her sooner rather than later......and to let her passing be quiet and peaceful. And here my gratitude while tinged with tears....knows its highest levels.  Because God heard me, she passed 3 weeks later and without pain or trouble.

So despite the heartache I feel almost every day, I have a lot to be thankful for.  And I will continue to embrace it as long as I can.

Unsettling

I am on a business trip to San Diego this week.  And I had a flood of different emotions while I was here.  Most of them new and completely unexpected.  As a result I think the trip was good for me because it got me out of the familiar and into the larger "world" so to speak.

First, I found that when I would go to dinner at a restaurant that the scene of a happy family interacting together - was both happy (what can be more joyous then seeing a family together) and left me wistful. Longing for something similar.  It also reminded me of other times when my wife and I had traveled and tried new and different things, and yet here I was sitting alone contemplating another family building memories together.

Being in San Diego also bubbled up lots of memories of the last time I was here.  My wife and I drove from Sacramento to San Diego along the Pacific Coast Highway about 4-5 years ago.  She was sick, but could travel.  I remember stopping at artichoke farms.  Almond groves, and strawberry fields.  I remember taking pictures of the cliffs along the coast and seeing California Condors at the Big Sur.  Great memories, but being here reminds me of it all.  Good memories.  Strong memories.  And memories that make me sad and make my chest hurt like there is an enormous rock on it.

The second strange experience I had came on my second day here.  I was walking around the Gaslamp District of downtown San Diego and stopped at a restaurant that looked good.  I was wearing a tshirt with the German flag on it - one I have had for a long time and was not even aware I was wearing really.  The hostess asked me about it and we struck up a conversation.  She is German, from Hamburg and we proceeded to have a very nice conversation in both English and my rudimentary German.  It was just a pleasant fairly bland conversation.  But somewhere in the middle of the discussion as we laughed and compared notes about both CA and Germany - I became strangely conscious of my new status as an unattached man.  And I suddenly felt panicked and shy...but also at the same time ashamed - as I would be if I were still with my wife....but also strangely liberated to be talking to this woman in a normal way without any hangups.  All this was going on in my head of course, and I was pleasant and friendly throughout (I'm not going to subject this poor woman to my psychosis).  Eventually I broke off the conversation and had some food and headed back to the hotel.  But this was a very strange experience for me.  It may take me a while to think it all through and figure out the best course of action for future such instances.  I do not want to become an emotional cripple.

End of the School Year

So I worked hard to get rid of a lot of stressful things that were weighing me down recently.  And I succeeded in backing off of projects at work and cutting back my volunteer activities.  So you might think I was enormously successful and thus have lots of additional time on my hands to grieve and/or get stuff done.

Except that it hasn't really happened like that.  Given that it is the end of May, that means that it is quickly moving towards the end of the school year and I am finding as a father and single parent that this means a lot of stress.

My son has his end of the school year class play to put on tomorrow.  He has been running around like a crazy person working on that and me making sure he is being ferried to the right place.  In addition he has had 2 end of the year concerts with his Atlanta Boy Choir that has meant extra rehearsals.  And he leaves on June 3rd for his Choir tour of eastern Canada....and I have not gotten all of the things he needs for that!

In addition there is his class end-of-year party.  And his class this year is in charge (and by extension the parents) of setting up and cleaning up after the 8th grade graduation ceremony (his school only goes up to grade 8, that is why this is a big deal).

So I find myself stressing completely out thinking about all the things that need to get done, and the limited time I have to get it done.  I know that at the end of the day it will happen and life will go on, but there is so much between now and then that it is a bit overwhelming.  I will need to put my super-dad hat and cape on in order to pull this proverbial rabbit out of the hat.

Settling in, Decisions.....Planning

Sometimes I think the transition through grief and moving along with your life is so gradual that you really are not sure at any given moment where you are.  I know that I've moved past the fear and paralysis stage, to the more "normal" stages - grief, anger, etc.  I am really not sure where I am now, I am getting on with life.  I am a lot less stressed since I had my disenfranchisement of extraneous work and items (see previous posts).  As a result I have more time to relax and think about the things that perhaps while sad, I need to be thinking about.  I am having a lot of dreams in which my wife features prominently, some are happy, some are very intimate and some suck the wind out of me...in the sense that I can see her clearly but she is across a river or canyon from me and I'm trying to reach her or call to her and of course I cannot do so.  She stands there just looking at me.  In the happier ones we are walking side by side and she is smiling and it is obvious she is no longer in pain, and when I awaken I can still feel the warmth of her palm on my own from where we were holding hands.

I am glad I am having the dreams.  It helps me deal with the grief.  And I feel that they are a gift perhaps directly from her or from God to let me know that all is well and I can move on as I see fit.

But move on to where and to what?  I have a year ahead to figure out what I want to do, and thus I am in no hurry and feel no pressure about it, but it would be nice if I had an idea.  Do I want to quit my career altogether?  Do I want to transition into something else at the same job, but more in line with something fulfilling?  I've had suggestions about becoming a Counselor (perhaps grief counseling or some such) which would mean a doctorate in Psychology.  I've had some friends recommend medical school and become a doctor - which is intriguing, but given how many years medical school and residency would take might not be practical.  I've had some suggest I go back to the international side of my nature - get an international relations doctorate and go work for an NGO or some such.  This is intriguing too, but as I understand those organizations you really have to start at the bottom and at my age starting at the bottom isn't really practical.  I am roughly in my early-mid career right now and while the money doesn't concern me (I can settle for less then I make now) I am not prepared given my years of hard work to start out in a mail room or equivalent.

As I stated, I have time to figure it out and I plan to spend a lot of time on it.  So that the best decision is made and when I decide on the course of action I am ready for I go in with a gusto and give 1,000% as I typically do when I'm excited about something.

I just need to figure out what the future holds and what will make it happen.

When Mothers Day isn't safe

Grief is sneaky.  It creeps up on you unawares and then suddenly pounces on you, bringing that burning sensation in the back of your throat, tears and lots of boogers.  A remembered song, making a dish for dinner that she used to make...almost anything brings the grief rushing in.  What is strange is that things that had only marginal significance before are suddenly huge emotional items.

This Sunday is Mother's Day in the U.S., this was a holiday that my wife and I rarely celebrated - the same was true of Father's Day.  We might go out for a nice dinner, but for the most part it consisted of us saying, "happy mother's day" to each other.  But now it is a potential minefield.  If I low-key it like we always did, is my son going to think I am uncaring?  If I make it into a passion play, will he think it is too over-the-top?  I am just not sure what the right course is.

So I am choosing...........to do nothing.  I am not making a decision, I am playing it by ear to see what to do.  I am not planning anything special.  But I will spend the day with him and see if I can distract him or give him lots of love.

The cycle of grief is strange to me.  I've read the books about the different stages, etc.  But it is decidedly different when you are living them.  Right after she died, I was in anguish (not that you could see it when looking at me.  I am pretty stoic).  Then I went though a numb period where I really didn't feel anything....just a sort of hollowness.  If someone had struck me during that period I think I would have rung like a bell.  Then I attempted to fill the void I had by taking on multiple projects at work, by volunteering more with a variety of organizations I do work for.  I kept that up for about 2 months, until I realized one day that I was stressing myself out and while I had built all sorts of structures around the void, the hole was still there...its darkness yawning at me as ever.  I realized that I had to face it, that I had to deal with it.  So I got rid of the projects, finished up a major one, took a sabbatical from the volunteer organizations, basically removed all these things from my life.  It is strange.....by recognizing this issue and taking action against it; I seem to have entered another stage in my grief development without even meaning to.

I am now in a calm stage.  Not acceptance, I believe that will be later.....but I have a certain serenity.  I am not afraid of my grief any longer.  I am not ashamed of it.  I am willing to be as vulnerable as I have to be.  And through this knowledge of myself, I find calm.  I am not scared.  I still do not fully understand what my master plan is, but I know I will figure it out.  I cannot change what has happened in my life - and I realize now I would not want to anyway.  Everything I have suffered and been blessed with has led me to where I stand now.  Everything I have suffered and been blessed with has shaped me and made me who I am.  I have no regrets.

What do I have?

She has been dead for 5 months now.  I still have not fully come to terms with it......I think that takes a lot longer.  Grieving is a very long and slow process, much like the way her cancer took her.

A good friend of mine was talking to me the other day and told me that I shouldn't rush things, but that I might want to at least get to thinking about whether in a year or two I will want to meet someone.  This particular friend I know means well and has known me and my late wife for well over a decade.  He is practically my family - or I consider him as such.  So his intentions were pure.

Before you become alarmed, I am not even remotely thinking about any such development.  And this friend also stressed that it should be more of a cerebral exercise rather than me rushing off to dating websites and hanging out in locations where single women congregate (if such a place even exists).

So did exactly that.  I thought about what meeting someone else might mean, and I found myself not very happy.  What do I have going for me?  I am a well trained former husband - because I was a caregiver for so long I can clean, cook, do laundry, bake, fix minor household items/devices, grocery shop (not like most men where they go in an buy whatever is the first thing their eye sees), etc.  These are all pluses, right?  But I also worry that I have gotten so used to the way I adjusted to my former married life that maybe I'm fossilized.  Can I change?  Because of years of stress I am horribly out of shape (to be fair I am slowly working on it).  I am very intelligent and because of my work ethic I am very well compensated - but I do not consider that a plus since it can also be negative.  At my age almost every woman I know is already married.  And I have a teenage son who is about to launch into puberty and the sullen years.  How does one even approach something like this if and when they ever become "ready"?

Anyway, I ran through the exercise and find myself discouraged.  It isn't a huge issue for me right now, since my brain and soul have not aligned to even find an interest in that area - and perhaps they never will.  It is not easy to forget the joys of 18 years with someone and the idea of starting all over is daunting to say the least.  I also worry a great deal about post-traumatic issues.....did the losing of my wife in the slow horrible way I did mean that I will have trouble committing to someone new?

Before she died; she told me that I had to go on - that life was important and raising our son was important.  She told me that I should remarry when I was ready and that whomever I loved in future, that her love for me would flow through this new person.  They were beautiful words and I cried and cried when she spoke them.....but I do not know that I understand them or that I will ever live up to them.

I will try.

Three of Everything

What do you do when there are three of everything in your life.  For 12 years (since the birth of our son) we have been a family of three.  And now there are but two of us......and yet three surrounds us.  It is a trinity of remembrance that causes pain.  We had three mugs we drank our chai from, one for each of us.  We have 3 outdoor deck chairs to enjoy the weather.  We had 3 toothpastes, 3 toothbrushes.....you get the idea.

I have come to hate 3.

We were the perfect troika, decisions were easy since there were 3 of us someone could always cast the deciding vote.  We had 3 schedules to keep, my work schedule, our son's after school schedule and my wife's schedule.....nevermind that towards the end her schedule consisted of which specialist and/or treatment she had to get to on a particular day.

Now I deal with two schedules only, which you would think would be liberating to some degree...but instead leaves me confused like all the equilibrium has left the world.  My personal world has shifted on it's axis and the stars don't look the same anymore.  The empty unused vanity in the master bathroom, the cold empty side of the bed.  No, I have 2....but I long for 3.  3 was normal, 3 made sense, with 3 I could make decisions and move forward.  Now we are 2 and I am stuck like a bug in amber, going neither forward nor backward.  How can I implement the things that I told her I would...when I cannot even implement the simplest thing on a day to day basis?

Yes, I know......those of you who read this will suggest therapy or whatever.  But it is best to remember that this blog is the outpourings of my most basic self.  A person meeting or seeing me today would know that I am "normal" in the sense that I do not show any of it.  Sometimes the outpouring here is what I need, not therapy.....not vigilance as though I am going to hurt myself.  When you do not have someone to talk to (and I have nobody who wishes to talk to me), this for me.......is where it comes out.  

Just Baba

It is strange being a single parent so suddenly.  If I think about it too much it is very overwhelming,  about how everything weighs on my shoulders.  Any problems or developments from here on out reflect on what I do or do not do.  Will he get into trouble, smoking, drinking.....drugs?  My wife and I worked hard to raise him properly, but into that mix came cancer and disease and emergency rooms and chemo and finally, death.  I am getting him grief counseling, and I am sure it will help him.  I am already seeing positive results...but still I worry.  I do not know what is locked away inside of his mind, and now that he is a tween he is less responsive to telling me what is going on.

I ask him the questions I am supposed to ask him.  "How was school today?"  "Anything important going on?" But instead of a lengthy somewhat disjointed rambling detailed answer I got when he was 10 or 11, now I get the "nothing much, baba."  That is it.....full stop.  Or if I ask him how school was, instead of him listing out the drawings he did or what kid in the class said what mean thing to someone else - he now says, "it was good, baba."  Again, not much to go on there.  The funny thing is I remember doing the same thing when I was his age to my own parents.  There just wasn't much to say. And I remember not saying anything to my parents, because in the end.....what were they going to do anyway?  Or at least that was my thought on the subject at the time.  So I got into nasty self-destructive patterns and the lack of communication definitely did not help anything.  So I spend time wracking my brain....was there something I always wished my father had said to me that would have made it okay for me to open up to him?

It is hard to be alone and deal with raising a child of any age.  Add to that my job and career, taking care of our house, cooking and cleaning, taking him to his after-school activities...and it is just a lot.  If my wife were still alive she would tell me to stop being silly.  She would remind me that I was responsible for all of this stuff anyway over the last 8 years of her illness before she passed away - she wasn't able to do it.  But there is a difference that I am discovering between doing all these things, having all these responsibilities; and doing all of these things and having all these responsibilities - while being alone.  At least during all the years of her illness if I felt bad or just needed someone to talk to or bounce ideas off of, she was there to talk to.  Now the silence is crushing and when I have decisions to make I find it almost paralyzing because I don't have anyone there to discuss it with.

I know this is normal.  I know that we move on regardless.  I know that while she is gone, I am still connected to her with my heart and my soul.  But when I hear my son yelling, "baba"....I know that there is nobody else in the wide world but me to answer now.  I also know that he realizes this too, and so he purposely shields me from things he feels will upset me.  Things that as his father I need to know.

There is just Baba now, so much has gone wrong with life....how do up pick up the threads and move on when the only sound you hear is the echo of your own feet?

Realizations

I thought that if I just threw myself back into work that my natural workaholic qualities would take over and carry me through.  However I have quickly found that I have been stricken with a form of grief-driven paralysis that I had not expected.  It would seem that working at a crazy heightened pitch means I don't have time to get everything done that I'd like in relation to my son and his needs.  Add to this the interfaith work I am doing with the ISB (www.isbatlanta.org) and I have even less time.  To this I added the founding of a parent association at my son's school (www.waldorfatlanta.org) and I quickly found that I am buried.  Due to this figurative burial I have become paralyzed and find that I get nothing done.

Thus I had planned to de-clutter my house after coming home from the funeral.  I managed to do 2/3 of my house and then quickly became sidetracked by all of the aforementioned things.  I also planned to get my home ready to sell - new hardwoods in two rooms, tile or ceramic in the kitchen, new countertops, carpet in a couple of rooms and then paint in a few rooms.  But the paralysis extends to this area too.  I am not touching it, I think about it every day but do nothing about it.

I had planned to take the GRE/GMAT and apply to join a professional 13-14 month executive MBA program.  However while I think about studying and taking the exam every week I do nothing to move this forward.

In all of this grieving over my loss is nonexistent.  So I came to the realization recently that I have not given myself anywhere near enough space and time to really grieve.  Keeping yourself busy is all great and everything, but if it means you don't feel anything....then it does you no good.  Keeping yourself occupied is fine, but if it means that you have so many layers of things to do that you end up dropping the juggling balls....then it does you no good.

So I decided to put off the graduate school idea.  Not indefinitely, but I can approach it again at some point in the future.  That will allow me more time to focus on the house preparation piece.  But even this does not relieve all the pressure I am feeling.  Thus I have decided that more drastic means are needed.  So over the next month or two I will be de-cluttering my life first.  I have ISB engagements through April that I will complete, but then I plan to dial this back.  I will disentangle myself from the school commitments also.

I need space to mourn.  I need space to breathe.  I need space to get these things done.  Once they are done then I can slowly begin picking the pieces up again.  I have a feeling that there are many people who will not be pleased with this.  But they do not walk in my shoes.  They do not understand the pressures I live with.  They need to understand that if I do not fix this I will burn out and be even more useless in future.  So I need to step back from these things in my life - So Facebook, possibly even this blog may suffer in the near-term.  I will probably keep the blog going though, it helps me collect and analyze my thought processes.

Do you think this is the right course?  At the end of the day it is the right course in my mind, thus I will be implementing it.  But your opinions matter.

Auction

My parents came to visit the other week.  And one of the nights they were here I had the opportunity to attend an adult fundraiser for my son's school.  This is a auction where different things are put out there and people bid on them (both open and silent auctions) and the money goes to support his school.  My wife and I have attended a few of them over the years and they were always fun, and it is nice to sometimes have an adult night out without kids.  I considered this a chance for me to "get out" so I'm not locked in so much.

It turned out to be anything but fun for me.  With some reflection it was not a total disaster, but I had not fully considered the impact of going into a largely social setting with people I know and am familiar with so soon after the death of my wife.

It wasn't horrific or anything, it was just AWKWARD!  I met couples that my wife and I knew and had socialized with in the past together.....meeting them again at the auction was, of course, very nice....they are great people.  But I found it so terrible, because there was only me to hold up my end of the conversation - it is strange that I had never considered before how when you are two couples you tend to converse so that everyone gets a chance to say something and others get a chance to pause.  So when it is a couple and just one person it totally throws off the rhythm....and I found my self working to fill the entire conversation.

The other observation I had was just feeling so alone.  Here were all these married and/or partnered couples and I am this lonely person wandering about the room.  I realize I was not the only person there by himself.....but given that this was my first encounter with this situation it felt terrible.

Some good friends did "take me under their wing" in the sense that they hung out with me and made sure I wasn't miserable.  I did appreciate that a great deal.  At the time I actually resented it, feeling a bit like a kid or someone that had to be watched.  But in the intervening days I have come to the truth that they only did this because they love me and care about me.....and probably knew that I was feeling awkward and having heartache.  So that was very nice - although it did not help that much....but that is hardly their fault.

Still it was a big step to just get out and socialize.  I have gotten out with individual friends and had dinners with some folks over the last 3 months, but it was smaller and more personal and thus less threatening to me I suppose.

So I guess I should take comfort in the fact that I took a first step, or half-step and while it was terrible...it wasn't a complete disaster.  I probably need to do it more often, but given how much it hurt me this last time I am not exactly jumping up and down to do it again too soon.

Small steps, small step.