I am on a business trip to San Diego this week. And I had a flood of different emotions while I was here. Most of them new and completely unexpected. As a result I think the trip was good for me because it got me out of the familiar and into the larger "world" so to speak.
First, I found that when I would go to dinner at a restaurant that the scene of a happy family interacting together - was both happy (what can be more joyous then seeing a family together) and left me wistful. Longing for something similar. It also reminded me of other times when my wife and I had traveled and tried new and different things, and yet here I was sitting alone contemplating another family building memories together.
Being in San Diego also bubbled up lots of memories of the last time I was here. My wife and I drove from Sacramento to San Diego along the Pacific Coast Highway about 4-5 years ago. She was sick, but could travel. I remember stopping at artichoke farms. Almond groves, and strawberry fields. I remember taking pictures of the cliffs along the coast and seeing California Condors at the Big Sur. Great memories, but being here reminds me of it all. Good memories. Strong memories. And memories that make me sad and make my chest hurt like there is an enormous rock on it.
The second strange experience I had came on my second day here. I was walking around the Gaslamp District of downtown San Diego and stopped at a restaurant that looked good. I was wearing a tshirt with the German flag on it - one I have had for a long time and was not even aware I was wearing really. The hostess asked me about it and we struck up a conversation. She is German, from Hamburg and we proceeded to have a very nice conversation in both English and my rudimentary German. It was just a pleasant fairly bland conversation. But somewhere in the middle of the discussion as we laughed and compared notes about both CA and Germany - I became strangely conscious of my new status as an unattached man. And I suddenly felt panicked and shy...but also at the same time ashamed - as I would be if I were still with my wife....but also strangely liberated to be talking to this woman in a normal way without any hangups. All this was going on in my head of course, and I was pleasant and friendly throughout (I'm not going to subject this poor woman to my psychosis). Eventually I broke off the conversation and had some food and headed back to the hotel. But this was a very strange experience for me. It may take me a while to think it all through and figure out the best course of action for future such instances. I do not want to become an emotional cripple.
First, I found that when I would go to dinner at a restaurant that the scene of a happy family interacting together - was both happy (what can be more joyous then seeing a family together) and left me wistful. Longing for something similar. It also reminded me of other times when my wife and I had traveled and tried new and different things, and yet here I was sitting alone contemplating another family building memories together.
Being in San Diego also bubbled up lots of memories of the last time I was here. My wife and I drove from Sacramento to San Diego along the Pacific Coast Highway about 4-5 years ago. She was sick, but could travel. I remember stopping at artichoke farms. Almond groves, and strawberry fields. I remember taking pictures of the cliffs along the coast and seeing California Condors at the Big Sur. Great memories, but being here reminds me of it all. Good memories. Strong memories. And memories that make me sad and make my chest hurt like there is an enormous rock on it.
The second strange experience I had came on my second day here. I was walking around the Gaslamp District of downtown San Diego and stopped at a restaurant that looked good. I was wearing a tshirt with the German flag on it - one I have had for a long time and was not even aware I was wearing really. The hostess asked me about it and we struck up a conversation. She is German, from Hamburg and we proceeded to have a very nice conversation in both English and my rudimentary German. It was just a pleasant fairly bland conversation. But somewhere in the middle of the discussion as we laughed and compared notes about both CA and Germany - I became strangely conscious of my new status as an unattached man. And I suddenly felt panicked and shy...but also at the same time ashamed - as I would be if I were still with my wife....but also strangely liberated to be talking to this woman in a normal way without any hangups. All this was going on in my head of course, and I was pleasant and friendly throughout (I'm not going to subject this poor woman to my psychosis). Eventually I broke off the conversation and had some food and headed back to the hotel. But this was a very strange experience for me. It may take me a while to think it all through and figure out the best course of action for future such instances. I do not want to become an emotional cripple.